Poems

My Only Addiction

Some people have different ways to cope.
They’ll find that one thing,
Which will give them a glimmer of hope.

And now,
I’ve found my own way to battle through the tears,
To get rid of my negative thoughts and my fears.
And when I’m feeling low and suicidal,
I stop myself going on a downhill spiral.
By reading… books.

You see, I’m not like everyone else,
Instead of drinking or drugs,
I turn to my bookshelf.
I’m not doing lines of cocaine but reading lines of fiction,
Because buying books is my only addiction.

All It Takes

You can have an amazing few weeks,
Where you finally feel like things are okay.
That you’re not a failure,
You’re not completely fucking useless,
And things are starting to look up for once.
You can achieve anything,
No matter how big or small.

But all it takes,
Is one bad day,
For everything to change.
And your ship starts to sink.
You’re drowning,
In this bottomless sea of troubles,
And negativity,
With no escape route.
And it will take weeks,
Even months,
Before life is great again.

That’s why I’m always anxious when I’m happy.
Because I know,

That something bad is going to happen to me.
It’s inevitable.

Another Day

Another day,
Gone.
Another day,
Where I haven’t spoken to my friends.
I promised myself I would.
In a few minutes…
In a few hours…
Tomorrow.
Which turns into a week later.

But the thing is,
I’m making things worse.
I don’t talk to the people,
Who love me,
Who care about me.

I know,
I’m a piece of shit.

And now,
I’m lonely.
And it’s got to a point,
Where I’m scared to talk to people now.
Scared of sounding awkward,
Scared of having nothing valuable to say,
Scared of saying the wrong thing.

And it’s all because I’ve avoided my friends.

(I deserve this.
It’s all my fault.)

Asking Questions

People always ask me,
“How are you?”
And I’ll say something like,
“I’m okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m alright.”
“I’m good.”
“Things are getting better.”

But I’m lying.
I’m not okay.
I’m not fine.
I’m not alright.
I’m not good.
And things aren’t getting any better.

But I say these things,
Because I don’t want people,
To ask any more questions.

Running

I go running every week,
To help clear my mind,
To make me feel good about myself,
And to leave my negativity behind.
You see, running has its pros and its perks,
As it’s the only thing that actually works.
It gives me strength,
It makes me feel tall,
And I guess it stops me punching walls.
And instead of reaching for the knife,
I’m running away from the problems in my life.
I’m literally “running through the six with my woes”,
As I feel pain from my head to my toes,
Which is getting worse with every passing minute,
As my body tells me that I’ve hit the limit.
And as I sit on a wooden bench,
Trying to get my breath back,
I’m just glad that it’s not another panic attack.

Depression

Depression.
It’s a slippery slope.
How you can go from loving life,
To thinking about that rope.
And how you’ll tie a noose around your throat,
Kick the chair back,
And off to heaven, you float.
Drifting away to a better place,
No longer worrying about being a waste of space.
No longer listening to the voices in your head,
Convincing you that you’re as good as dead.
No longer getting frustrated and annoyed,
As you’re the kid that everyone tries to avoid.
No longer staying up late until three,
With tears in your eyes.

Because you’re finally free.

I’ve Decided To Delete Facebook

I’ve decided to delete Facebook,
Because the last thing I found myself doing,
Was putting my face in a book.
As instead, I’d spend my day staring at a screen,
Looking at some drama queen causing a scene,
And while I’m glued to Facebook for hours on end,
I realise that I don’t have 142 friends.
In fact, I have hardly any friends at all,
And as I start crying and stare at my wall,
Hoping and praying for a message or a call,
With someone saying “Hey.
Although life might seem grey,
I just wanted to quickly say,
That everything is going to be okay.
And that I’m here for you,”
The only notification I get is from O2,
Talking about their latest Pay As You Go deal.
And that’s exactly how I feel.
I feel just as ignored as an O2 text.
And no one cares about what I do next.
It feels like nobody would bat an eye,
If I was going to post on Facebook,
Saying “#GonnaCommitSuicide”

Or maybe it’s just me.
The fact that I’m anti-social,
And I have constant anxiety.
The fact that I can’t have a normal conversation
Without feeling like I’m gonna pass out,
The fact that I can’t go to public areas,
Without wanting to scream and shout.

But I’ve spent so much time on Facebook.
Time that I’ll never get back.
And when I’m on my deathbed,
I’ll wish that I had used my time better.
And with the way I’m feeling,
My time might run out soon.

So I’ve decided to delete Facebook.
Before it’s too late for me.