All Posts, mental-health, poetry

A White Lie

I look towards
the grey sky,
tell a white lie,
“It’ll be okay”,
I
Cross a line through
thoughts that are mine,
but never say.

I can feel it,
My life slowly slipping
Away from me.
And on the dark days,
mind ablaze,
I see the life I’ll never see

I’m useless,
I’m hopeless,
My mind has spoken, it tells me
My dreams are smashed,
Can’t be fixed, now broken
And it’s too late, to think straight,
My future in question, as I
lose my way on the highway
in the State of Depression.

(Photo credit: @jnusch)

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All Posts, life, poetry

Things I Am Scared Of

Tarantulas.
Heights.
Roller-coasters.
Going at fast speeds
Bees.
Wasps.
Job interviews.
Loud noises.
People.
People talking to me.
Maintaining a conversation with someone.
Saying the wrong thing.
Coming across as “socially awkward”
Growing older.
Suicidal thoughts.
Going to busy places.
Applying for jobs.
Loneliness.
The feeling of not living life to its full potential.
Social media.
Rejection.
Falling in love with someone (who doesn’t love me back)
Asking for help (when I need it the most)
Becoming homeless.
Being laughed at.
Death.

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All Posts, life, mental-health

I need to stop comparing myself to others.

Or, more specifically, I need to stop going on social media on the weekends.

You know, there’s only so many Instagram and Snapchat stories (of people going on nights out, socialising with friends and doing fun shit, going to work and complaining about it, etc) I can watch before I start to feel terrible about myself.

And it’s just not helping me get better.

I sound like a broken record at this point, as I’ve mentioned this about a thousand times by now, but I genuinely do have nothing at this point. I have no purpose. At least when I went to college last month, I had a reason to wake up. Now, however…

I mean, it’s not like I’m not trying. In the past week and a half, I’ve applied to six different jobs. Haven’t heard anything back yet.

^^ OH, LIKE THAT’S A FUCKING SURPRISE! HAHAHA! ^^

So there’s me, who’s not getting anywhere in life. And then there’s all my friends, who are complete polar opposites to me.

It just makes you think “what’s the fucking point in doing anything anymore?”

And the same thing happens every. single. weekend. rinse. and. repeat.

 

So THAT’S why I need to stop comparing myself to others. Or, more specifically, I need to stop going on social media on the weekends. Because it’s not healthy.

 

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All Posts, life, mental-health, poetry

Job Depression.

It was then, as he sat down on his bed,
laptop on his lap,
ready to seize the day,
ready to believe that he could do it,
that the realisation hit
that he couldn’t, in fact, do it.
He’s got no experience,
no personality,
no skills,
no talents,
and no will to carry on with life.
“What’s the point?” he says to himself,
as he sits there, contemplating whether it is worth his time.

He sits there, staring into the abyss
ten, twenty, maybe even thirty minutes,
when the anger hits.
He’s frustrated – frustrated that he’s wasted time,
doing nothing productive in his life once more.
His head pounds.
His anxiety increases.
He takes his anger on the things around him.
He can’t concentrate anymore.
He sees red.

And as he sits down on his bed once more,
a single tear falling down his cheek,
his brain tells him exactly what he wants to hear;

“You will never amount to anything in your life.
You’re just a failure. Just stop.”

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All Posts, life, mental-health

Why I Don’t Want To Go To University Anymore.

Picture of the University of Bristol, where in the past month, three students have tragically ended their lives.

I feel like I should preface this with some information about myself. I’m 19, currently in my third year of college, and for the past eighteen months, I’ve been struggling with a bout of depression and social anxiety. I’m not particularly sure if “bout” is the right word – I’d argue that eighteen months isn’t “a short period of time” as it’s defined in the dictionary, but we’ll go with it.

To be able to describe all of the issues, challenges and difficulties that I face on a day-to-day basis – well, let’s just say that a simple paragraph isn’t sufficient. However, to give you some context about what my life is like, then here you go. I take 100mg Sertraline every single day, just to stop me from bouncing around the walls. I spend the majority of the day confined to my bedroom, locked in my own thoughts of self-loathing and self-pity. I have no life, no enjoyment, no motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning can be one of the hardest things I do. And even when I go out in public, I feel constant agoraphobic and anxiety, which means that I can’t stay in a public place longer than an hour and a half.

And because of this, I feel like I have to put my mental health over everything; as much as I hate to admit it, my mental health controls me and everything I do. In fact, in my second year at college, I had to drop and defer two of my courses, because the stress was too much for me – bear in mind, also, that this was in October when the academic year had literally just begun. It’s ruined relationships with some of my closest friends. Some days, I even wake up and think if there’s any point in doing anything, when I know I’m not going to be alive in a years time.

So what does all this have to do with going to university?

Well, over the past week, you might have seen numerous articles criticising universities for ‘letting down students’ and ‘failing a generation‘, especially after three students at Bristol University committed suicide in the past month alone.

“The number of students dropping out with mental health problems has more than trebled in recent years…  in recent years, there has been a steady increase in the number of student suicides.”
University UK, “Minding Our Future”

Now, if there was one thing that was going to stop me from going to universities, it was my mental health. After all, it’s clear to see that I struggled with college, so to go university and be put under more educational stress, where I’d have to look after myself, making sure that I eat and sleep properly, socialise with “friends” 24/7, all whilst living two-three hours away from home? How am I going to cope?

My paranoia got so high that during my last mental breakdown (which forced me out of college for almost a week, I should add), I emailed my tutor, asking her whether to cancel my uni application. Of course, I got a generic answer back – saying something like “there are people who can help”.

But then you get these stories which disprove their claims.

At the end of the day, from someone who has intrusive thoughts daily, is there any point going to university, where I could be another addition to the statistic?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting too paranoid again. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I need to take my tablets today.
However, what’s becoming apparent is that the more I think, the more I realise that uni isn’t for me after all.

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mental-health, poetry

New Message (Part 1)

New message. At twelve. Twenty-four. AM.

“Hi. it’s your depression again.
Just seeing if you miss me.
It’s been over a week since our last meeting,
But don’t worry – I’ll be back in three.
And just before you decide not to answer like last time,
Remember who’s got a spare key.
I can unlock your mind, any time or place
So you’d better get some therapy!
You try to block me out of your mind,
But it’s clear to both of us that I’m here to stay.
And no matter how hard you’ll try,
I want you to know I’m your guardian angel and will show you the way.
You think I’m the devil? You must have it twisted,
I’m giving you the harsh truth.
Want to believe in that man looking down at us?
Ha! You really do have some screws loose!

You want to get better? Look at yourself!
Stop living in this fantasy
Get your head from the clouds into a dictionary.
Look up the definition of insanity.
Soon enough you’ll be hit with de ja vu
And a sense of reality.
Still don’t get it? My God, your pathetic.
Looks like I’m gonna use profanity.

So you’re gonna blame me for your symptoms,
And act like the victim?
Not the fact that you’re like everyone else,
and you don’t fucking listen?
You stay confined in the walls of your room,
Like it’s a prison.
Let me pose you this question, Matt:
Is that a life worth living?
You convince yourself that I’m my visions are lies,
They’re ‘all in your head’.
But how can you live life in your own bed?
How can you live life WISHING WE WERE BOTH DEAD?”

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All Posts, mental-health

SAD.

That amazing moment
when you look outside
at 6pm
and see the sun setting
in the sky
blinding you with sunlight.
Because at that point
you feel a sense of optimism,
your “lighter side” is shiner through
as the realization hits you.
The days will get lighter,
and longer,
and a lot warmer.
And at this thought,
you smile for the first time
in a while,
as you can feel your seasonal depression
start to evaporate
in front of your eyes.

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