depression

Anxiety Thoughts

Alright, so I previously wrote this a few days ago, and it was shit. I kinda rushed it, and I thought I would re-write it, and now… it’s slightly better. :)

Short synopsis: A couple of days ago, I felt terrible, and I thought I would try a different way of expressing my actual thoughts and feelings down, onto a piece of paper… now onto my blog. 

Okay…so… I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, but I’ll try my best…

So I want to go outside and leave the house and talk to my friends, like any normal person would… but I can’t… I can’t do that, because it’s raining and that means I can’t wear my new shoes because I don’t want them to get ruined… and that ruins how I look and already my self-esteem is WAAAAY low even after that course I went on… actually that reminds me… I haven’t updated my panic diary, my positive notebook OR my running diary in the last seven days… fuck.

I suppose I’ll have to stay indoors then… but if I stay indoors, I won’t do anything productive like reading a book, talking to friends or revising… I’ll just sit at my fucking laptop all day staring at a blank wall, watching YouTube videos or playing on my PlayStation CONTEMPLATING WHY MY LIFE IS SO SHIT, BECAUSE I KEEP DOING THE EXACT SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING SHIT TO CHANGE EVEN THOUGH IT WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE. I. KEEP. MAKING. THE. SAME. FUCKING. MISTAKES. AND. NEVER. LEARN. FROM. THEM!

alright… I’m calm… it’s good to get things off your chest every now and again… breathe… 3/5… remember…

Maybe it’s a good idea I’m staying in… fuck knows what could happen if my friends see me like this… no doubt I’d have some mental breakdown in front of them and have a panic attack, or say something completely stupid… and then I’d come home crying, because going out was a mistake, and I’d never want to leave the house EVER AGAIN.

Fuck it, maybe I should go and write something to put on my blog, or that book that I won from the Goodreads giveaway, which is sitting on my bookshelf (Crime Song by David Swindon – review coming soon :D)

No… I can’t… I can’t concentrate… I can’t focus on anything apart from going out I want to go out BUT I CAN’T… I want to talk to my best friend but she left me on read about 229 minutes ago on Snapchat but now I’m worried because all I asked was how her exam went and she’s not replying… so that means A) she’s busy, or B) she’s crying and doesn’t want to talk to me because her exam went terrible and I upset her OH GOD OH GOD… I can’t read or revise because all of these thoughts are giving me a headache I can’t concentrate…

So now, I’M SAT HERE wondering WHAT I CAN DO WITH MYSELF TO DISTRACT ME FROM THESE THOUGHTS… AND IT’S KILLING ME BECAUSE I’M DOING NOTHING PRODUCTIVE AND I NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING AND I CANT AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FAILURE AGAIN!!!

3/5… 3/5…. 3/5… 3/5… 3/5…

i suppose this is normal for me nowadays, to feel like this… lost… hopeless… depressed… a failure… a waste of space/time/money/oxygen… suicidal… and it seems so long ago when I felt normal… like I’m not some passenger in my own body, or someone who feels disconnected from their emotions…

Seriously, how the fuck did I become like this? How is it that everything can go from :) to :( in a matter of hours? At what point does your mind go “Enough of this shit, I WANNA BE SAAAAD. Let’s think about how you’re a failure in life and ways to commit suicide” when you’re full of confidence?  Because a few hours ago, I could achieve anything I wanted to… I could go to town, talk to friends, even climb a fucking mountain if I wanted to, but now… sending ‘hey’ to someone on Snapchat is like climbing Mount Everest… 

I will never understand my own anxiety… but one thing I do understand is that I fucking hate it… and I want things to be normal again… I want to be like the old Matt again… but then I question whether that’s even possible anymore…

Fuck this is getting too deep. I should probably stop now.

Job Rejection

Dear Matt,
Thank you for applying for our job.
We appreciate your interest,
We really do.
But the fact of the matter is,
YOU.
ARE.
NOT.
GOOD.
ENOUGH.
FOR.
US.

I mean, why even try in the first place?
You’ve been rejected twenty times before,
So why did you think things would be different this time?

Oh…
You were told to keep trying, huh?
By your parents?
Friends?
Teachers?
Tutor maybe?

Well FUCK THEM AND LISTEN TO ME.
All you are doing is WASTING YOUR TIME,
Getting yourself down,
On something you already know.
YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
For ANYONE.

More importantly,
You’ve WASTED MY TIME.
Looking through your shit CV,
Shit cover letter,
Talking about your shit life.
I’m done talking to you.
It’s over.

But we REALLY hope that you’ll do well in the future…
(Seriously, just fuck off.
Don’t ever apply to us again.
You’re a waste of oxygen.)

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein (apparently)

Life is great atm :D

Depression

Depression.
It’s a slippery slope.
How you can go from loving life,
To thinking about that rope.
And how you’ll tie a noose around your throat,
Kick the chair back,
And off to heaven, you float.
Drifting away to a better place,
No longer worrying about being a waste of space.
No longer listening to the voices in your head,
Convincing you that you’re as good as dead.
No longer getting frustrated and annoyed,
As you’re the kid that everyone tries to avoid.
No longer staying up late until three,
With tears in your eyes.

Because you’re finally free.

Mental Health Update

As it’s World Suicide Prevention Day, I thought I’d say a few things about how I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks or so, and give an update on my health.

Last month, I decided to write about my depression on this blog, and it wasn’t easy – it took me about a month to pick up the courage. I was absolutely terrified how people were going to react. I thought that they were going to put comments like ‘stop being an attention-seeker’ and other stuff like that. Thankfully, that didn’t happen, and some of the comments I received were actually quite surprising and moving. So thank you to everyone who sent me a message and checked to see if was ok.

But I suppose that you’re expecting that because I’m doing an update, my mental health must have improved, surely? Well… it hasn’t. The only good thing that has changed is that I’m actually seeing my friends now, but if anything, I feel even worse than before, for a number of reasons.

Since I last wrote ‘Help’, I got my AS exam results, which weren’t too bad, but when I showed them to my parents, the only thing I could see was the look of disappointment on their faces. And that basically sums up my life so far to them. A disappointment. A failure. A liability. You name it.

I also went back to college this week, and already I feel like I’m struggling to keep on top of my work. I’ve only been there for four days now, and I know that in a few months, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with it all. Also, I’m getting sick and tired of my parents constantly arguing all of the time. They always seem to have a go at each other when I’m around, even over little things, and I have to drown it out with listening to music. It just makes me so upset, as I know that one of them is going to leave my life if it carries on.

And then there’s that girl who I really loved. Yeah… About that. I was going to write this massive romantic poem for her, along with a million reasons why I loved her so much because I couldn’t tell her face-to-face. And just like anything in my life, I was too late. When I finally had the chance to finish it, she was in a relationship with another guy. It broke my heart so much, and it still hurts me to this day. Every time I see them together, I feel even worse inside, because I still really love her. And I can’t just simply ‘move on’; she was so perfect to me.  I loved everything about her, and I feel broken inside that she’s not with me.

There’s just too much stuff on my mind at the moment, and it’s getting to a point where some days, I feel like just ending it. Like everyone I know would be better off if I wasn’t around. And all I’m seeing on these Twitter posts is that I’m reminded how important, special, beautiful and strong I am. Great. However, the sad reality is that I’m the opposite. I’m not important. I’m not special. I’m not beautiful. I’m not strong. I’m none of these.

And I know that I should ask for help and that I should talk to someone. But I can’t. My friends are busy all of the time, my family just don’t seem to get the concept of mental health (they think suicide is “for pussies” – how are they going to help me?), and I don’t have the confidence to talk to some stranger (counsellor) that I’ve never met before, and open up about my struggles – it’s impossible for me. So now I’m stuck in this awkward scenario, that I can’t seem to get out of.

Help.

It’s been over a year since my nan died, and I’ve felt absolute shit every single day. And it feels like I’m just getting worse, and as I tell people (including myself) that “I’m ok” on a day-to-day basis. I’m not ok. Far from it, actually.

I’ve spent an entire month on this, staying up late at night, contemplating if this was a good idea or not. But I suppose if I don’t talk about it now, I never will. Before it’s too late.

I need help.

I have most (if not all) of the symptoms for suffering from anxiety and depression:

  • Every time I talk to people in public, I become breathless, I start to zone out of the conversation, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m going to pass out. It’s so frustrating. It puts me off going anywhere with friends, so I stay at home all day. Bored out of my mind.
  • My self-confidence is so low at the moment. I always feel uneasy about the way I look in public. There’s a reason why I never post pictures of myself on Facebook or Twitter. I look fucking ugly. And when people are laughing nearby, I think that they’re laughing at me, so I start to feel uncomfortable. Also, when people are looking at me in public, I start sweating and my breathing becomes more erratic.
  • I’m always tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I have, and I feel physically drained all of the time.
  • It takes me hours, maybe even days, to answer text messages or e-mails, because I’m always worried that I’ll come across as rude. I have to spend about half an hour re-reading things about ten times, whether it’s text messages, e-mails, whatever, just so I’m happy about what I’m saying, and I’m not going to offend them.
  • I’m getting to a point where I don’t want to leave my house anymore unless I really have to. I’m too nervous to go anywhere, especially where there’s going to be lots of people near me. Going to watch football is a nightmare, and I have to prepare myself mentally for being in a stand with thousands of people.
  • I get headaches almost every day, no matter how much I eat, drink, sleep or exercise.
  • Any noise can annoy the living fuck out of me. Even loud and/or repetitive sounds, like putting the kettle on, running a tap, talking, whistling, rattling keys, washing machines – they piss me off so much.
  • I’ve now started to punch walls when things are getting too stressful, or I’m pissed off at something or someone. I don’t punch walls to the point where I make my knuckles bleed, or where I break a bone in my hand, I do it until my knuckles turn red.
  • And finally, I’ve started to think about suicide and death more, especially over the last few months. I’m having constant dreams where the people I love are dying, like family members and friends, and then I jump off a bridge and kill myself. That’s not normal. I’m also starting to think more about the different ways I could actually kill myself, and I’m getting these moments where I feel that life is not worth living anymore. It feels like people would be better off if I wasn’t around at times.

It’s no surprise that I think I’m suffering from anxiety. Those people who went to the same primary school as me will know that I suffered from Selective Mutism. For the first few years of primary school, I never used to speak to people in school. I could talk when I was home, but as soon as I got to school, I lost the ability to speak. And it got to a point where my mum actually had to come into class, just so I could talk. It was embarrassing.

However, I suppose that the main reason why I think I’ve started suffering from depression is because of the last twelve months. It’s been over a year since I lost my nan, and I’m still struggling to cope. One of the hardest moments of my nan’s death was dealing with the regret. Regret for not seeing her as much as I should have done. The last time I saw her before she died was at my brother’s wedding, in June 2014, and I can’t recall seeing her once afterwards. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for what I did, and I wish I could go back and change that. But I can’t.

After my Nan’s funeral, I genuinely thought everything would be ok again. I thought I could go to college a week later, and pretend like nothing had happened. But I’ve felt worse ever since. There’s so much shit going through my head at the moment, and I’m getting to a point where I’m struggling to cope. I’m so fucking stressed right now.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t seen any of my friends properly for about five months, and it’s making me go crazy. It makes me upset when I see some of them walking past my house, laughing and having a fun time, while I’m sat in my house, wondering why my life is so fucking shit.

I’m also dreading the day I get my exam results back, as I spent so much time and effort revising on my AS exams, to the point where I was close to having a mental breakdown, and I just know I did awful in them. I even focused everything on my exams and made it my number one priority – no friends or family, no distractions, no nothing. I spent every day for five months revising for my shit exams. For what exactly? Fuck all, that’s what.

But it’s not the grades which are the main issue here. It’s my parents that’s the problem. They seem to have high expectations of me, and I’m fucking terrified how my parents are going to react when they realise that their son is a disappointment in life (again). I know what they’ll say. “Ooh, you’ll need to buckle down more” or something like that. Even though if I revised even more than I did, then I would have slit my wrists by now.

I’m also being constantly pressured into getting a job by my family, even though they don’t know that I’m struggling as it is already. A job would make me even worse, but they just don’t fucking get it.

And then there’s the fact that I’m really in love with someone. After my nan died, my friend (I won’t mention her name) was the only person who was there for me, and the only person I could talk to about how I was feeling. She was so helpful for me, and if she wasn’t there for me, I would have been six feet under by now. And I will always thank her for it. For saving my life. She’s honestly one of the most important people I’ll ever meet, and I love her so much. But I physically can’t. I just don’t have the courage or confidence at the moment with the way I’m feeling. And it’s killing me.

Honestly, there’s so much going through my mind, and if I could just escape it all for a few weeks or months, I would have done by now. But I can’t.

I’ve spent an entire month, staying up at night, wondering if this was a good idea or not. But I suppose if I don’t talk about it now, I never will. Before it’s too late.