anxiety

A Personal Victory Of Mine :)

I might sound like one of those teen diary blogs for this post, but please bear with me for this. What just happened today was honestly amazing.

So a couple of months ago, I was going through some of my old messages on Google Hangouts, where you can chat to whoever you want on there who has a Google+ account (and yes, I still use Google+). And when I was around fourteen, I used to have a lot of conversations with people around the world. Seriously, I would spend more time on there talking to them than my actual friends. However, I stopped after a while because… I just stopped using it.

So just because I was bored one day, I thought I’d go through some of my old messages again. For shits and gigs.

After going through hundreds of ‘Hi’ comments, I eventually came across these old conversations that I had with a girl called Anna, from Maine. I remember when we used to talk to each other practically every single day for a couple of years, and we always used to flirt with each other.

So I hadn’t replied to her in about two/three years, so I thought I would reply with something like ‘hey’ or ‘do you still remember me? :)’ because I just wanted to see if she would ever reply.

Also, with my social anxiety, I thought this would be a great challenge for me, to try and get back in contact with my friend after all of this time. I was really worried at first, as I didn’t think she would ever remember me, or want to talk to me anymore. But after thirty minutes of debating with myself, I sent the message. What’s the worst that could happen?

I will admit, I had completely forgotten about the message after a week. To be honest, it’s been years since we talked and I had honestly thought that she had moved on.

Until today.

I honestly couldn’t believe it – she ACTUALLY replied to me! I was so shocked! I don’t know how she came across the fact that I had messaged her two months ago, but it was a great feeling.

Like, you have to imagine that this was the first time that I had properly spoken to her since about three or four years ago. At that time, I would have been around fourteen, and she would have been twelve or thirteen? It was crazy.

And even after all of this time, it feels like I only spoke to her only a few weeks ago. It was a surreal feeling to experience.

Literally, it couldn’t have gone any better. We started talking about college (or high school in the States), University, what we wanted to do in the future. We even started talking about books, and reminiscing about some of the messages we used to send each other.o

I suppose that this was a personal victory of mine, too. My last couple of months hasn’t been too great, to be honest. My anxiety has got WAY worse, I’ve thought about suicide to the point where it’s become normal, and now I’m still feeling the side effects of my antidepressants. But with this, I can actually feel proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety this one time, and I feel great at the moment because of it :D

And it just goes to show that if I can talk to someone across the globe for the first time in years, why can’t I talk to my friends who I haven’t spoken to in a couple of days? Just something to think about.

Fuck Anxiety.

Maybe I should read a book.
(No. You should be revising for your exam in two weeks. You’ve hardly done any revision over the last few weeks and you’ll fail at this rate.)

Maybe I should revise for my exam.
(Yeah, but you could look for jobs, so you don’t look like a failure and lazy to your family.)

Maybe I should look for jobs.
(What’s the point? You’ll only apply for a job, wait for two days, get the “Sorry, you’re not good enough” email and then cry yourself to sleep, and do the same thing in two weeks.)

Maybe I should talk to friends.
(But they all have busy lives. They all have jobs and relationships and you have fucking nothing. NOTHING. Besides,  they don’t want to talk to you. You’re really awkward to talk to, and you distance yourself from them all of the time. No wonder they never talk to you.)

Maybe I should go for a run, calm myself down.
(But it’s too hot to go for a run. And it’s half term so there are more people around to see you and you could get stabbed or worse someone might laugh at you and then you’ll get upset and then you’ll have a panic attack and you’ll never go running ever again)

Fuck Anxiety.

Anxiety Thoughts

Alright, so I previously wrote this a few days ago, and it was shit. I kinda rushed it, and I thought I would re-write it, and now… it’s slightly better. :)

Short synopsis: A couple of days ago, I felt terrible, and I thought I would try a different way of expressing my actual thoughts and feelings down, onto a piece of paper… now onto my blog. 

Okay…so… I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, but I’ll try my best…

So I want to go outside and leave the house and talk to my friends, like any normal person would… but I can’t… I can’t do that, because it’s raining and that means I can’t wear my new shoes because I don’t want them to get ruined… and that ruins how I look and already my self-esteem is WAAAAY low even after that course I went on… actually that reminds me… I haven’t updated my panic diary, my positive notebook OR my running diary in the last seven days… fuck.

I suppose I’ll have to stay indoors then… but if I stay indoors, I won’t do anything productive like reading a book, talking to friends or revising… I’ll just sit at my fucking laptop all day staring at a blank wall, watching YouTube videos or playing on my PlayStation CONTEMPLATING WHY MY LIFE IS SO SHIT, BECAUSE I KEEP DOING THE EXACT SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING SHIT TO CHANGE EVEN THOUGH IT WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE. I. KEEP. MAKING. THE. SAME. FUCKING. MISTAKES. AND. NEVER. LEARN. FROM. THEM!

alright… I’m calm… it’s good to get things off your chest every now and again… breathe… 3/5… remember…

Maybe it’s a good idea I’m staying in… fuck knows what could happen if my friends see me like this… no doubt I’d have some mental breakdown in front of them and have a panic attack, or say something completely stupid… and then I’d come home crying, because going out was a mistake, and I’d never want to leave the house EVER AGAIN.

Fuck it, maybe I should go and write something to put on my blog, or that book that I won from the Goodreads giveaway, which is sitting on my bookshelf (Crime Song by David Swindon – review coming soon :D)

No… I can’t… I can’t concentrate… I can’t focus on anything apart from going out I want to go out BUT I CAN’T… I want to talk to my best friend but she left me on read about 229 minutes ago on Snapchat but now I’m worried because all I asked was how her exam went and she’s not replying… so that means A) she’s busy, or B) she’s crying and doesn’t want to talk to me because her exam went terrible and I upset her OH GOD OH GOD… I can’t read or revise because all of these thoughts are giving me a headache I can’t concentrate…

So now, I’M SAT HERE wondering WHAT I CAN DO WITH MYSELF TO DISTRACT ME FROM THESE THOUGHTS… AND IT’S KILLING ME BECAUSE I’M DOING NOTHING PRODUCTIVE AND I NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING AND I CANT AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FAILURE AGAIN!!!

3/5… 3/5…. 3/5… 3/5… 3/5…

i suppose this is normal for me nowadays, to feel like this… lost… hopeless… depressed… a failure… a waste of space/time/money/oxygen… suicidal… and it seems so long ago when I felt normal… like I’m not some passenger in my own body, or someone who feels disconnected from their emotions…

Seriously, how the fuck did I become like this? How is it that everything can go from :) to :( in a matter of hours? At what point does your mind go “Enough of this shit, I WANNA BE SAAAAD. Let’s think about how you’re a failure in life and ways to commit suicide” when you’re full of confidence?  Because a few hours ago, I could achieve anything I wanted to… I could go to town, talk to friends, even climb a fucking mountain if I wanted to, but now… sending ‘hey’ to someone on Snapchat is like climbing Mount Everest… 

I will never understand my own anxiety… but one thing I do understand is that I fucking hate it… and I want things to be normal again… I want to be like the old Matt again… but then I question whether that’s even possible anymore…

Fuck this is getting too deep. I should probably stop now.

Another Day

Another day,
Gone.
Another day,
Where I haven’t spoken to my friends.
I promised myself I would.
In a few minutes…
In a few hours…
Tomorrow.
Which turns into a week later.

But the thing is,
I’m making things worse.
I don’t talk to the people,
Who love me,
Who care about me.

I know,
I’m a piece of shit.

And now,
I’m lonely.
And it’s got to a point,
Where I’m scared to talk to people now.
Scared of sounding awkward,
Scared of having nothing valuable to say,
Scared of saying the wrong thing.

And it’s all because I’ve avoided my friends.

(I deserve this.
It’s all my fault.)

“Things Will Get Better”

I really hate it,
When people say to me,
“Things will get better”


Will they?
Because I haven’t seen my life improve.
If anything,
It’s stayed the same,
Over the last seven months.

And when?
When will it get better?
In a few days,
Months,
Or Years?

I know.
I’m being selfish.
I’m being ungrateful.
I’m sorry.
I know people want to help.

But those four words are meaningless
They mean nothing to me.
And I just want to scream back at them.

Does that make me a bad person?

Help.

It’s been over a year since my nan died, and I’ve felt absolute shit every single day. And it feels like I’m just getting worse, and as I tell people (including myself) that “I’m ok” on a day-to-day basis. I’m not ok. Far from it, actually.

I’ve spent an entire month on this, staying up late at night, contemplating if this was a good idea or not. But I suppose if I don’t talk about it now, I never will. Before it’s too late.

I need help.

I have most (if not all) of the symptoms for suffering from anxiety and depression:

  • Every time I talk to people in public, I become breathless, I start to zone out of the conversation, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m going to pass out. It’s so frustrating. It puts me off going anywhere with friends, so I stay at home all day. Bored out of my mind.
  • My self-confidence is so low at the moment. I always feel uneasy about the way I look in public. There’s a reason why I never post pictures of myself on Facebook or Twitter. I look fucking ugly. And when people are laughing nearby, I think that they’re laughing at me, so I start to feel uncomfortable. Also, when people are looking at me in public, I start sweating and my breathing becomes more erratic.
  • I’m always tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I have, and I feel physically drained all of the time.
  • It takes me hours, maybe even days, to answer text messages or e-mails, because I’m always worried that I’ll come across as rude. I have to spend about half an hour re-reading things about ten times, whether it’s text messages, e-mails, whatever, just so I’m happy about what I’m saying, and I’m not going to offend them.
  • I’m getting to a point where I don’t want to leave my house anymore unless I really have to. I’m too nervous to go anywhere, especially where there’s going to be lots of people near me. Going to watch football is a nightmare, and I have to prepare myself mentally for being in a stand with thousands of people.
  • I get headaches almost every day, no matter how much I eat, drink, sleep or exercise.
  • Any noise can annoy the living fuck out of me. Even loud and/or repetitive sounds, like putting the kettle on, running a tap, talking, whistling, rattling keys, washing machines – they piss me off so much.
  • I’ve now started to punch walls when things are getting too stressful, or I’m pissed off at something or someone. I don’t punch walls to the point where I make my knuckles bleed, or where I break a bone in my hand, I do it until my knuckles turn red.
  • And finally, I’ve started to think about suicide and death more, especially over the last few months. I’m having constant dreams where the people I love are dying, like family members and friends, and then I jump off a bridge and kill myself. That’s not normal. I’m also starting to think more about the different ways I could actually kill myself, and I’m getting these moments where I feel that life is not worth living anymore. It feels like people would be better off if I wasn’t around at times.

It’s no surprise that I think I’m suffering from anxiety. Those people who went to the same primary school as me will know that I suffered from Selective Mutism. For the first few years of primary school, I never used to speak to people in school. I could talk when I was home, but as soon as I got to school, I lost the ability to speak. And it got to a point where my mum actually had to come into class, just so I could talk. It was embarrassing.

However, I suppose that the main reason why I think I’ve started suffering from depression is because of the last twelve months. It’s been over a year since I lost my nan, and I’m still struggling to cope. One of the hardest moments of my nan’s death was dealing with the regret. Regret for not seeing her as much as I should have done. The last time I saw her before she died was at my brother’s wedding, in June 2014, and I can’t recall seeing her once afterwards. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for what I did, and I wish I could go back and change that. But I can’t.

After my Nan’s funeral, I genuinely thought everything would be ok again. I thought I could go to college a week later, and pretend like nothing had happened. But I’ve felt worse ever since. There’s so much shit going through my head at the moment, and I’m getting to a point where I’m struggling to cope. I’m so fucking stressed right now.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t seen any of my friends properly for about five months, and it’s making me go crazy. It makes me upset when I see some of them walking past my house, laughing and having a fun time, while I’m sat in my house, wondering why my life is so fucking shit.

I’m also dreading the day I get my exam results back, as I spent so much time and effort revising on my AS exams, to the point where I was close to having a mental breakdown, and I just know I did awful in them. I even focused everything on my exams and made it my number one priority – no friends or family, no distractions, no nothing. I spent every day for five months revising for my shit exams. For what exactly? Fuck all, that’s what.

But it’s not the grades which are the main issue here. It’s my parents that’s the problem. They seem to have high expectations of me, and I’m fucking terrified how my parents are going to react when they realise that their son is a disappointment in life (again). I know what they’ll say. “Ooh, you’ll need to buckle down more” or something like that. Even though if I revised even more than I did, then I would have slit my wrists by now.

I’m also being constantly pressured into getting a job by my family, even though they don’t know that I’m struggling as it is already. A job would make me even worse, but they just don’t fucking get it.

And then there’s the fact that I’m really in love with someone. After my nan died, my friend (I won’t mention her name) was the only person who was there for me, and the only person I could talk to about how I was feeling. She was so helpful for me, and if she wasn’t there for me, I would have been six feet under by now. And I will always thank her for it. For saving my life. She’s honestly one of the most important people I’ll ever meet, and I love her so much. But I physically can’t. I just don’t have the courage or confidence at the moment with the way I’m feeling. And it’s killing me.

Honestly, there’s so much going through my mind, and if I could just escape it all for a few weeks or months, I would have done by now. But I can’t.

I’ve spent an entire month, staying up at night, wondering if this was a good idea or not. But I suppose if I don’t talk about it now, I never will. Before it’s too late.