Some people have different ways to cope.
They’ll find that one thing,
Which will give them a glimmer of hope.
I’ve found my own way to battle through the tears,
To get rid of my negative thoughts and my fears.
And when I’m feeling low and suicidal,
I stop myself going on a downhill spiral.
By reading… books.
You see, I’m not like everyone else,
Instead of drinking or drugs,
I turn to my bookshelf.
I’m not doing lines of cocaine but reading lines of fiction,
Because buying books is my only addiction.
Maybe I should read a book.
(No. You should be revising for your exam in two weeks. You’ve hardly done any revision over the last few weeks and you’ll fail at this rate.)
Maybe I should revise for my exam.
(Yeah, but you could look for jobs, so you don’t look like a failure and lazy to your family.)
Maybe I should look for jobs.
(What’s the point? You’ll only apply for a job, wait for two days, get the “Sorry, you’re not good enough” email and then cry yourself to sleep, and do the same thing in two weeks.)
Maybe I should talk to friends.
(But they all have busy lives. They all have jobs and relationships and you have fucking nothing. NOTHING. Besides, they don’t want to talk to you. You’re really awkward to talk to, and you distance yourself from them all of the time. No wonder they never talk to you.)
Maybe I should go for a run, calm myself down.
(But it’s too hot to go for a run. And it’s half term so there are more people around to see you and you could get stabbed or worse someone might laugh at you and then you’ll get upset and then you’ll have a panic attack and you’ll never go running ever again)
You can have an amazing few weeks,
Where you finally feel like things are okay.
That you’re not a failure,
You’re not completely fucking useless,
And things are starting to look up for once.
You can achieve anything,
No matter how big or small.
But all it takes,
Is one bad day,
For everything to change.
And your ship starts to sink.
In this bottomless sea of troubles,
With no escape route.
And it will take weeks,
Before life is great again.
That’s why I’m always anxious when I’m happy.
Because I know,
That something bad is going to happen to me.