Mental Health

My Only Addiction

Some people have different ways to cope.
They’ll find that one thing,
Which will give them a glimmer of hope.

And now,
I’ve found my own way to battle through the tears,
To get rid of my negative thoughts and my fears.
And when I’m feeling low and suicidal,
I stop myself going on a downhill spiral.
By reading… books.

You see, I’m not like everyone else,
Instead of drinking or drugs,
I turn to my bookshelf.
I’m not doing lines of cocaine but reading lines of fiction,
Because buying books is my only addiction.

A Personal Victory Of Mine :)

I might sound like one of those teen diary blogs for this post, but please bear with me for this. What just happened today was honestly amazing.

So a couple of months ago, I was going through some of my old messages on Google Hangouts, where you can chat to whoever you want on there who has a Google+ account (and yes, I still use Google+). And when I was around fourteen, I used to have a lot of conversations with people around the world. Seriously, I would spend more time on there talking to them than my actual friends. However, I stopped after a while because… I just stopped using it.

So just because I was bored one day, I thought I’d go through some of my old messages again. For shits and gigs.

After going through hundreds of ‘Hi’ comments, I eventually came across these old conversations that I had with a girl called Anna, from Maine. I remember when we used to talk to each other practically every single day for a couple of years, and we always used to flirt with each other.

So I hadn’t replied to her in about two/three years, so I thought I would reply with something like ‘hey’ or ‘do you still remember me? :)’ because I just wanted to see if she would ever reply.

Also, with my social anxiety, I thought this would be a great challenge for me, to try and get back in contact with my friend after all of this time. I was really worried at first, as I didn’t think she would ever remember me, or want to talk to me anymore. But after thirty minutes of debating with myself, I sent the message. What’s the worst that could happen?

I will admit, I had completely forgotten about the message after a week. To be honest, it’s been years since we talked and I had honestly thought that she had moved on.

Until today.

I honestly couldn’t believe it – she ACTUALLY replied to me! I was so shocked! I don’t know how she came across the fact that I had messaged her two months ago, but it was a great feeling.

Like, you have to imagine that this was the first time that I had properly spoken to her since about three or four years ago. At that time, I would have been around fourteen, and she would have been twelve or thirteen? It was crazy.

And even after all of this time, it feels like I only spoke to her only a few weeks ago. It was a surreal feeling to experience.

Literally, it couldn’t have gone any better. We started talking about college (or high school in the States), University, what we wanted to do in the future. We even started talking about books, and reminiscing about some of the messages we used to send each other.o

I suppose that this was a personal victory of mine, too. My last couple of months hasn’t been too great, to be honest. My anxiety has got WAY worse, I’ve thought about suicide to the point where it’s become normal, and now I’m still feeling the side effects of my antidepressants. But with this, I can actually feel proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety this one time, and I feel great at the moment because of it :D

And it just goes to show that if I can talk to someone across the globe for the first time in years, why can’t I talk to my friends who I haven’t spoken to in a couple of days? Just something to think about.

Fuck Anxiety.

Maybe I should read a book.
(No. You should be revising for your exam in two weeks. You’ve hardly done any revision over the last few weeks and you’ll fail at this rate.)

Maybe I should revise for my exam.
(Yeah, but you could look for jobs, so you don’t look like a failure and lazy to your family.)

Maybe I should look for jobs.
(What’s the point? You’ll only apply for a job, wait for two days, get the “Sorry, you’re not good enough” email and then cry yourself to sleep, and do the same thing in two weeks.)

Maybe I should talk to friends.
(But they all have busy lives. They all have jobs and relationships and you have fucking nothing. NOTHING. Besides,  they don’t want to talk to you. You’re really awkward to talk to, and you distance yourself from them all of the time. No wonder they never talk to you.)

Maybe I should go for a run, calm myself down.
(But it’s too hot to go for a run. And it’s half term so there are more people around to see you and you could get stabbed or worse someone might laugh at you and then you’ll get upset and then you’ll have a panic attack and you’ll never go running ever again)

Fuck Anxiety.

Anxiety Thoughts

Alright, so I previously wrote this a few days ago, and it was shit. I kinda rushed it, and I thought I would re-write it, and now… it’s slightly better. :)

Short synopsis: A couple of days ago, I felt terrible, and I thought I would try a different way of expressing my actual thoughts and feelings down, onto a piece of paper… now onto my blog. 

Okay…so… I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, but I’ll try my best…

So I want to go outside and leave the house and talk to my friends, like any normal person would… but I can’t… I can’t do that, because it’s raining and that means I can’t wear my new shoes because I don’t want them to get ruined… and that ruins how I look and already my self-esteem is WAAAAY low even after that course I went on… actually that reminds me… I haven’t updated my panic diary, my positive notebook OR my running diary in the last seven days… fuck.

I suppose I’ll have to stay indoors then… but if I stay indoors, I won’t do anything productive like reading a book, talking to friends or revising… I’ll just sit at my fucking laptop all day staring at a blank wall, watching YouTube videos or playing on my PlayStation CONTEMPLATING WHY MY LIFE IS SO SHIT, BECAUSE I KEEP DOING THE EXACT SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING SHIT TO CHANGE EVEN THOUGH IT WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE. I. KEEP. MAKING. THE. SAME. FUCKING. MISTAKES. AND. NEVER. LEARN. FROM. THEM!

alright… I’m calm… it’s good to get things off your chest every now and again… breathe… 3/5… remember…

Maybe it’s a good idea I’m staying in… fuck knows what could happen if my friends see me like this… no doubt I’d have some mental breakdown in front of them and have a panic attack, or say something completely stupid… and then I’d come home crying, because going out was a mistake, and I’d never want to leave the house EVER AGAIN.

Fuck it, maybe I should go and write something to put on my blog, or that book that I won from the Goodreads giveaway, which is sitting on my bookshelf (Crime Song by David Swindon – review coming soon :D)

No… I can’t… I can’t concentrate… I can’t focus on anything apart from going out I want to go out BUT I CAN’T… I want to talk to my best friend but she left me on read about 229 minutes ago on Snapchat but now I’m worried because all I asked was how her exam went and she’s not replying… so that means A) she’s busy, or B) she’s crying and doesn’t want to talk to me because her exam went terrible and I upset her OH GOD OH GOD… I can’t read or revise because all of these thoughts are giving me a headache I can’t concentrate…

So now, I’M SAT HERE wondering WHAT I CAN DO WITH MYSELF TO DISTRACT ME FROM THESE THOUGHTS… AND IT’S KILLING ME BECAUSE I’M DOING NOTHING PRODUCTIVE AND I NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING AND I CANT AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FAILURE AGAIN!!!

3/5… 3/5…. 3/5… 3/5… 3/5…

i suppose this is normal for me nowadays, to feel like this… lost… hopeless… depressed… a failure… a waste of space/time/money/oxygen… suicidal… and it seems so long ago when I felt normal… like I’m not some passenger in my own body, or someone who feels disconnected from their emotions…

Seriously, how the fuck did I become like this? How is it that everything can go from :) to :( in a matter of hours? At what point does your mind go “Enough of this shit, I WANNA BE SAAAAD. Let’s think about how you’re a failure in life and ways to commit suicide” when you’re full of confidence?  Because a few hours ago, I could achieve anything I wanted to… I could go to town, talk to friends, even climb a fucking mountain if I wanted to, but now… sending ‘hey’ to someone on Snapchat is like climbing Mount Everest… 

I will never understand my own anxiety… but one thing I do understand is that I fucking hate it… and I want things to be normal again… I want to be like the old Matt again… but then I question whether that’s even possible anymore…

Fuck this is getting too deep. I should probably stop now.

“Ha…Gaaaayyy”

I woke up today and felt amazing. I don’t normally feel like this every day – maybe because I won a book in a giveaway and was happy. However, it always makes me nervous when I’m in a good mood, because I know that as soon as I feel amazing, I go back to feeling like complete shit, like I’m a failure to society, a waste of oxygen who should jump onto the motorway and wait for a lorry to run him over. So I decided to enjoy this moment of normalness; it’s been quite a rare occasion over the last few months.

I went to college in the morning, did my one-hour Creative Writing lesson, and walked to my doctors to book an appointment with my GP (I’ve run out of propranolol and I was supposed to see him after all my CBT stuff finished, but I forgot). I got an appointment in a couple of weeks, which… should be really interesting. I have an exam next week with no tablets to calm me down, so if I do have a panic attack mid exam, I’m doing students a favour by giving them writing material. :)

Anyway, the GP was only fifteen minutes or so from the town centre, so I thought: Why not go into town? It’s not far away, you’re FEELING GREAT, nothing can go wrong? You’re UNSTOPPABLE. And it didn’t go too badly to start with. I went into a number of shops – New Look, H&M, River Island, HMV, Waterstones. The usual routine. (I didn’t buy anything in them, which always makes me feel guilty when I leave empty handed like I have to buy something there.)

But then, things went downhill after I went into WHSmith. I was looking at some books to buy (as you do), and I was looking at the Clearance section when I heard two girls talking nearby. So there I was, minding my own fucking business when I turned around. I saw them walking towards the exit, and then, one of them said…

“Ha. Gaaaay.”

You know, that shitty fucking meme from 2012. Now, normally it makes me laugh (I’m very easily amused), but this time, I was nearly on the brink of tears. Because even though I’m not gay, I 100% know it was aimed at me.

How could I tell this? 1) I was the only person around. 2) The way she said it – that kind of “I’m going to make some shitty comment to my friend, but I’ll try to say it quietly, in a cunty, bitchy, backstabbing voice, in the hope that the other person doesn’t hear” And 3) They looked at me, said it, and fucking laughed as they walked off. That’s the thing that annoyed me the most. That fucking laugh.

But I don’t understand why they said that to me. What made them think I was “gay”? Was it because I wasn’t some fuckboy wearing an Adidas tracksuit saying “Bun dat ting”? Was I standing a bit funny? Was I being really awkward around them? Was it because I was reading, and people think reading is… gay? Maybe I didn’t look them in the eye, but I never look anyone in the eye. It’s an anxiety thing, in the same way where I hide when there’s a car driving on the road. I don’t do it on purpose, I’m just scared of everyone.

Anyway, these girls (who were, I thought, kinda cute, but :/) ruined my day. That high confidence? Shattered. I started getting anxious again, trying to avoid everyone in town. I was looking at myself, thinking “Stop being gay. Stop looking gay. Stop walking weird. Stop acting like you’ve just robbed a bank. Just be normal for once”.

Every laugh that I heard also made me walk faster – I thought they were laughing at me. I wanted to scream and just tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. I wanted to go around, punching windows and walls. I was in a mess. I remember just walking around shops, with no destination, no real purpose. I went back into WHSmith, bought a book, and left as quick as I could.

And now I’m writing this, at midnight, trying to make the pain go away. It’s helping, but only just. Now that I’m low, I’m thinking about other things, like how everyone lives are much better than mine, or how I’m not going to cope with everyone (including the girl I like) going to uni in three months while I’m stuck at college, and how things would be better for everyone if I jumped onto the motorway. I questioned why I keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting my life to change when nothing fucking happens.

It got so bad earlier that I was mentally planning what things I should include in my suicide note, although I didn’t get very far. I got to “If you’re reading this, it’s too late”, which even my Creative Writing teacher would argue is “too cliche”

(It’s weird. Some people might be genuinely worried about my wellbeing if they read this, but to me, it’s normal. This is what I feel on a daily basis – up down, up down, up down. Suicidal thoughts are normal. I don’t know if it’s something I should be worried about, but… there you go.)

Anyway, back to those two girls. What pisses me off is that they’ve probably forgotten about me already. But I won’t forget them. I can still remember slipping on the stairs in secondary school about four years ago, and that was embarrassing. I’ll still remember today for years, every time I want to go out. “Oh remember that time when some girls thought you were gay in WHSmith and laughed at you and you nearly cried in front of them? Don’t go into town ever again.”

But again, does that me I have to change myself? Do I have to act differently, walk differently, stand differently, dress differently, look at people differently, just to stop this from happening again?

It’s amazing how one second of the day, with someone you’ve never met saying one comment, which can change someone’s day, and force them to write 1000+ words on it. It’s crazy.

Another Day

Another day,
Gone.
Another day,
Where I haven’t spoken to my friends.
I promised myself I would.
In a few minutes…
In a few hours…
Tomorrow.
Which turns into a week later.

But the thing is,
I’m making things worse.
I don’t talk to the people,
Who love me,
Who care about me.

I know,
I’m a piece of shit.

And now,
I’m lonely.
And it’s got to a point,
Where I’m scared to talk to people now.
Scared of sounding awkward,
Scared of having nothing valuable to say,
Scared of saying the wrong thing.

And it’s all because I’ve avoided my friends.

(I deserve this.
It’s all my fault.)

I Should Have Done Things Differently

Looking back at my life,
I realise that even now,
Eighteen years old,
I should have done things differently.
I should have gone out,
Spoken to friends more,
Spent more time with family.

But no.
I didn’t do that.
I did it all wrong.
I fucked it.

It just makes me wonder,
Is it my fault,
That I’m like this?
This empty, emotionless shell?
The remains of this person I used to be?
The old Matt,
Who had so much promise,
So much going for him?

Did I do this to myself,
Because of my actions?

And what if I did things differently?
Would I still feel hopeless,
Down,
Depressed?
Or would I actually be achieving something in life?

I guess I’ll never find out…