Mental Health

What I Really Want To Say In My University Statement.

…the reason why I want to study Journalism at university is that I love journalism. Or should I say… I “loved” journalism. Right up until about… a year and a half ago.

Why? What changed me? Well… depression changed me.

And now I’m sat here, in my bedroom, trying hard not to cry because I’ve spent the past five hours trying to write a personal statement that’ll ‘sell myself’.

But that’s the problem, you see. I can’t. I can’t do it.

I know that you’ve probably got thousands of personal statements to mark. But please bear with me a little while longer, once you understand why I can’t sell myself.

Picture being in my shoes. I’m 18. I have no social life. I have no girlfriend. I have one of the deadliest diseases that convinces me that I’m the worst person alive and a failure 24-fucking-7. I take antidepressants to stop me punching walls. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. I can’t even cope with college, let alone uni.

So how on earth can I sit here and say “oh please pick me, mister, I’m the greatest student in the world”? I. Fucking. Can’t.

I’m sorry. I needed to get that off my chest.

But if there’s any consolation, I did get a week’s work experience working at a local publication, which enabled me to experience…

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The Man In The Mirror. (Poem)

I look at myself in the mirror.
Or at least, I think that’s me?
I don’t know anymore.
This person looks emotionally drained,
With bags under his eyes,
Dilated pupils – like a deer in headlights,
He stares into the abyss for a moment,
Until your eyes meet with him.
That flicker of confusion and terror plastered on your faces,
Will stay with you forever.

God.
It’s like you’ve both seen a ghost.

Relapse.

A month ago (I think it was a month ago, I don’t know anymore), I wrote a piece on my blog called “Starting Again.”, where I basically said that things were great, and I felt like I’ve improved.

Wow.
I had so much optimism that things were getting better. That I was getting better.

Except… things haven’t really gone that way. I’ve probably got even worse.
If I’m being completely honest, this is the probably the worst I’ve felt.

I can’t really find the words to describe how I’m feeling.
I guess you can say I’m struggling…? I don’t know anymore.

I’m sorry. I really wanted to not make any more of these posts anymore, the depressing shit that I get off my chest. But…

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
I should probably stop now.

A Personal Victory Of Mine :)

I might sound like one of those teen diary blogs for this post, but please bear with me for this. What just happened today was honestly amazing.

So a couple of months ago, I was going through some of my old messages on Google Hangouts, where you can chat to whoever you want on there who has a Google+ account (and yes, I still use Google+). And when I was around fourteen, I used to have a lot of conversations with people around the world. Seriously, I would spend more time on there talking to them than my actual friends. However, I stopped after a while because… I just stopped using it.

So just because I was bored one day, I thought I’d go through some of my old messages again. For shits and gigs.

After going through hundreds of ‘Hi’ comments, I eventually came across these old conversations that I had with a girl called Anna, from Maine. I remember when we used to talk to each other practically every single day for a couple of years, and we always used to flirt with each other.

So I hadn’t replied to her in about two/three years, so I thought I would reply with something like ‘hey’ or ‘do you still remember me? :)’ because I just wanted to see if she would ever reply.

Also, with my social anxiety, I thought this would be a great challenge for me, to try and get back in contact with my friend after all of this time. I was really worried at first, as I didn’t think she would ever remember me, or want to talk to me anymore. But after thirty minutes of debating with myself, I sent the message. What’s the worst that could happen?

I will admit, I had completely forgotten about the message after a week. To be honest, it’s been years since we talked and I had honestly thought that she had moved on.

Until today.

I honestly couldn’t believe it – she ACTUALLY replied to me! I was so shocked! I don’t know how she came across the fact that I had messaged her two months ago, but it was a great feeling.

Like, you have to imagine that this was the first time that I had properly spoken to her since about three or four years ago. At that time, I would have been around fourteen, and she would have been twelve or thirteen? It was crazy.

And even after all of this time, it feels like I only spoke to her only a few weeks ago. It was a surreal feeling to experience.

Literally, it couldn’t have gone any better. We started talking about college (or high school in the States), University, what we wanted to do in the future. We even started talking about books, and reminiscing about some of the messages we used to send each other.o

I suppose that this was a personal victory of mine, too. My last couple of months hasn’t been too great, to be honest. My anxiety has got WAY worse, I’ve thought about suicide to the point where it’s become normal, and now I’m still feeling the side effects of my antidepressants. But with this, I can actually feel proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety this one time, and I feel great at the moment because of it :D

And it just goes to show that if I can talk to someone across the globe for the first time in years, why can’t I talk to my friends who I haven’t spoken to in a couple of days? Just something to think about.