I woke up today and felt amazing. I don’t normally feel like this every day – maybe because I won a book in a giveaway and was happy. However, it always makes me nervous when I’m in a good mood, because I know that as soon as I feel amazing, I go back to feeling like complete shit, like I’m a failure to society, a waste of oxygen who should jump onto the motorway and wait for a lorry to run him over. So I decided to enjoy this moment of normalness; it’s been quite a rare occasion over the last few months.
I went to college in the morning, did my one-hour Creative Writing lesson, and walked to my doctors to book an appointment with my GP (I’ve run out of propranolol and I was supposed to see him after all my CBT stuff finished, but I forgot). I got an appointment in a couple of weeks, which… should be really interesting. I have an exam next week with no tablets to calm me down, so if I do have a panic attack mid exam, I’m doing students a favour by giving them writing material. :)
Anyway, the GP was only fifteen minutes or so from the town centre, so I thought: Why not go into town? It’s not far away, you’re FEELING GREAT, nothing can go wrong? You’re UNSTOPPABLE. And it didn’t go too badly to start with. I went into a number of shops – New Look, H&M, River Island, HMV, Waterstones. The usual routine. (I didn’t buy anything in them, which always makes me feel guilty when I leave empty handed like I have to buy something there.)
But then, things went downhill after I went into WHSmith. I was looking at some books to buy (as you do), and I was looking at the Clearance section when I heard two girls talking nearby. So there I was, minding my own fucking business when I turned around. I saw them walking towards the exit, and then, one of them said…
You know, that shitty fucking meme from 2012. Now, normally it makes me laugh (I’m very easily amused), but this time, I was nearly on the brink of tears. Because even though I’m not gay, I 100% know it was aimed at me.
How could I tell this? 1) I was the only person around. 2) The way she said it – that kind of “I’m going to make some shitty comment to my friend, but I’ll try to say it quietly, in a cunty, bitchy, backstabbing voice, in the hope that the other person doesn’t hear” And 3) They looked at me, said it, and fucking laughed as they walked off. That’s the thing that annoyed me the most. That fucking laugh.
But I don’t understand why they said that to me. What made them think I was “gay”? Was it because I wasn’t some fuckboy wearing an Adidas tracksuit saying “Bun dat ting”? Was I standing a bit funny? Was I being really awkward around them? Was it because I was reading, and people think reading is… gay? Maybe I didn’t look them in the eye, but I never look anyone in the eye. It’s an anxiety thing, in the same way where I hide when there’s a car driving on the road. I don’t do it on purpose, I’m just scared of everyone.
Anyway, these girls (who were, I thought, kinda cute, but :/) ruined my day. That high confidence? Shattered. I started getting anxious again, trying to avoid everyone in town. I was looking at myself, thinking “Stop being gay. Stop looking gay. Stop walking weird. Stop acting like you’ve just robbed a bank. Just be normal for once”.
Every laugh that I heard also made me walk faster – I thought they were laughing at me. I wanted to scream and just tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. I wanted to go around, punching windows and walls. I was in a mess. I remember just walking around shops, with no destination, no real purpose. I went back into WHSmith, bought a book, and left as quick as I could.
And now I’m writing this, at midnight, trying to make the pain go away. It’s helping, but only just. Now that I’m low, I’m thinking about other things, like how everyone lives are much better than mine, or how I’m not going to cope with everyone (including the girl I like) going to uni in three months while I’m stuck at college, and how things would be better for everyone if I jumped onto the motorway. I questioned why I keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting my life to change when nothing fucking happens.
It got so bad earlier that I was mentally planning what things I should include in my suicide note, although I didn’t get very far. I got to “If you’re reading this, it’s too late”, which even my Creative Writing teacher would argue is “too cliche”
(It’s weird. Some people might be genuinely worried about my wellbeing if they read this, but to me, it’s normal. This is what I feel on a daily basis – up down, up down, up down. Suicidal thoughts are normal. I don’t know if it’s something I should be worried about, but… there you go.)
Anyway, back to those two girls. What pisses me off is that they’ve probably forgotten about me already. But I won’t forget them. I can still remember slipping on the stairs in secondary school about four years ago, and that was embarrassing. I’ll still remember today for years, every time I want to go out. “Oh remember that time when some girls thought you were gay in WHSmith and laughed at you and you nearly cried in front of them? Don’t go into town ever again.”
But again, does that me I have to change myself? Do I have to act differently, walk differently, stand differently, dress differently, look at people differently, just to stop this from happening again?
It’s amazing how one second of the day, with someone you’ve never met saying one comment, which can change someone’s day, and force them to write 1000+ words on it. It’s crazy.