As it’s World Suicide Prevention Day, I thought I’d say a few things about how I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks or so, and give an update on my health.
Last month, I decided to write about my depression on this blog, and it wasn’t easy – it took me about a month to pick up the courage. I was absolutely terrified how people were going to react. I thought that they were going to put comments like ‘stop being an attention-seeker’ and other stuff like that. Thankfully, that didn’t happen, and some of the comments I received were actually quite surprising and moving. So thank you to everyone who sent me a message and checked to see if was ok.
But I suppose that you’re expecting that because I’m doing an update, my mental health must have improved, surely? Well… it hasn’t. The only good thing that has changed is that I’m actually seeing my friends now, but if anything, I feel even worse than before, for a number of reasons.
Since I last wrote ‘Help’, I got my AS exam results, which weren’t too bad, but when I showed them to my parents, the only thing I could see was the look of disappointment on their faces. And that basically sums up my life so far to them. A disappointment. A failure. A liability. You name it.
I also went back to college this week, and already I feel like I’m struggling to keep on top of my work. I’ve only been there for four days now, and I know that in a few months, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with it all. Also, I’m getting sick and tired of my parents constantly arguing all of the time. They always seem to have a go at each other when I’m around, even over little things, and I have to drown it out with listening to music. It just makes me so upset, as I know that one of them is going to leave my life if it carries on.
And then there’s that girl who I really loved. Yeah… About that. I was going to write this massive romantic poem for her, along with a million reasons why I loved her so much because I couldn’t tell her face-to-face. And just like anything in my life, I was too late. When I finally had the chance to finish it, she was in a relationship with another guy. It broke my heart so much, and it still hurts me to this day. Every time I see them together, I feel even worse inside, because I still really love her. And I can’t just simply ‘move on’; she was so perfect to me. I loved everything about her, and I feel broken inside that she’s not with me.
There’s just too much stuff on my mind at the moment, and it’s getting to a point where some days, I feel like just ending it. Like everyone I know would be better off if I wasn’t around. And all I’m seeing on these Twitter posts is that I’m reminded how important, special, beautiful and strong I am. Great. However, the sad reality is that I’m the opposite. I’m not important. I’m not special. I’m not beautiful. I’m not strong. I’m none of these.
And I know that I should ask for help and that I should talk to someone. But I can’t. My friends are busy all of the time, my family just don’t seem to get the concept of mental health (they think suicide is “for pussies” – how are they going to help me?), and I don’t have the confidence to talk to some stranger (counsellor) that I’ve never met before, and open up about my struggles – it’s impossible for me. So now I’m stuck in this awkward scenario, that I can’t seem to get out of.