Mental Health Update

As it’s World Suicide Prevention Day, I thought I’d say a few things about how I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks or so, and give an update on my health.

Last month, I decided to write about my depression on this blog, and it wasn’t easy – it took me about a month to pick up the courage. I was absolutely terrified how people were going to react. I thought that they were going to put comments like ‘stop being an attention-seeker’ and other stuff like that. Thankfully, that didn’t happen, and some of the comments I received were actually quite surprising and moving. So thank you to everyone who sent me a message and checked to see if was ok.

But I suppose that you’re expecting that because I’m doing an update, my mental health must have improved, surely? Well… it hasn’t. The only good thing that has changed is that I’m actually seeing my friends now, but if anything, I feel even worse than before, for a number of reasons.

Since I last wrote ‘Help’, I got my AS exam results, which weren’t too bad, but when I showed them to my parents, the only thing I could see was the look of disappointment on their faces. And that basically sums up my life so far to them. A disappointment. A failure. A liability. You name it.

I also went back to college this week, and already I feel like I’m struggling to keep on top of my work. I’ve only been there for four days now, and I know that in a few months, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with it all. Also, I’m getting sick and tired of my parents constantly arguing all of the time. They always seem to have a go at each other when I’m around, even over little things, and I have to drown it out with listening to music. It just makes me so upset, as I know that one of them is going to leave my life if it carries on.

And then there’s that girl who I really loved. Yeah… About that. I was going to write this massive romantic poem for her, along with a million reasons why I loved her so much because I couldn’t tell her face-to-face. And just like anything in my life, I was too late. When I finally had the chance to finish it, she was in a relationship with another guy. It broke my heart so much, and it still hurts me to this day. Every time I see them together, I feel even worse inside, because I still really love her. And I can’t just simply ‘move on’; she was so perfect to me.  I loved everything about her, and I feel broken inside that she’s not with me.

There’s just too much stuff on my mind at the moment, and it’s getting to a point where some days, I feel like just ending it. Like everyone I know would be better off if I wasn’t around. And all I’m seeing on these Twitter posts is that I’m reminded how important, special, beautiful and strong I am. Great. However, the sad reality is that I’m the opposite. I’m not important. I’m not special. I’m not beautiful. I’m not strong. I’m none of these.

And I know that I should ask for help and that I should talk to someone. But I can’t. My friends are busy all of the time, my family just don’t seem to get the concept of mental health (they think suicide is “for pussies” – how are they going to help me?), and I don’t have the confidence to talk to some stranger (counsellor) that I’ve never met before, and open up about my struggles – it’s impossible for me. So now I’m stuck in this awkward scenario, that I can’t seem to get out of.

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6 comments

  1. I’m sorry this is two days old. You’ve really been going through hell. I like to say “in a dark place.” What would you say? It probably isn’t neat and tidy. There is nothing neat and tidy about the pits of depression, is there? Don’t you hurt everywhere? My eyes always hurt the most. My eyeballs ached. And I know how you feel about well-meaning people who just make things worse by saying stupid things. You feel like shit, and even though you want what they say to be true, you don’t feel important or beautiful or special. You believe in your own unworthiness down to your little toes. I’ve been where you are. I understand you. I know your pain. And it hurts like hell. And you feel so damn alone — you probably are alone, and that’s really, really hard. Matt, last time I gave advice and never heard from you; I thought the advice made you angry. I won’t advise you. Just know I do care and want you to have a chance at life. Just for tonight put away the pills, the razor blades, unload the gun, etc… Do yourself no harm tonight. I won’t say things will look better in the morning.

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    1. Hi Cynthia,
      I’m sorry I never got to reply to your previous message. I’ve been so busy recently, what with college and family, that I never get the chance to reply to blog comments. Don’t worry, it didn’t make me angry at all. So thank you for that message. I’m really trying my hardest not to self-harm (punching walls, etc.), but it’s painful. Everything’s painful at the moment…

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  2. Hey bud, I didn’t realize that you blogged and did things like this and I also didnt realize things were so bad for you. I just wanted to say (at like 3:30am cause my sleep schedule is fucked), that I can’t possibly know how you feel right now, but I hope things get better. Just soldier on and things will brighten up eventually, and if you need anything or want to talk to someone, I’m here for you man, don’t hesitate to talk to me whenever you want.

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    1. Hi mate just seen your message. Thank you.

      Yeah, I’ve been blogging for a long time. I set up this blog about a year ago, but I blogged on a football website for a few years before this.

      I can’t really explain it properly, so maybe that’s why people don’t really know. But I really don’t get it, one minute I’m fine, and the next I feel awful and start thinking about suicide. I just feel broken at the moment.

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  3. We don’t know each other. I ran across your poem “Depression” on a Google+ post. It struck a nerve with me and I had to reach out.
    Everything you wrote – is exactly what my brother did in July of 2015. My dad found him & cut him down. I ran in and untangled his legs from the stool. We did CPR until the medics got there – but it was too late.

    I just wanted to tell you – no matter what- DONT DO IT. Just as things can always get worse, they can always get better too. Your stronger than you think you are. Everyone is. We just let negative thoughts, ideas, voices, and people get in our head and eat away at our belief in ourself.
    I’m not saying I have all the answers or any answer really. I think every person has to find their own definition of what happy is. Then tell the rest of the world to fuck off. As long as your happy doing you.

    if you find what I’ve said offensive or out of line let me know – I’ll leave you alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well said ARTLIFEATL. Matt, I haven’t contacted you because I haven’t had anything encouraging to say. But this guy says it perfectly, and it’s easy to memorize. “Fuck off” or as I used to teach my high school daughter to say, “I don’t give a damn.” When you can say that with sincerity, Matt, huge burdens will be lifted. You’ll start to figure out who you are and what you really want in this life – free of the weights of others expectations.

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