All Posts, life, mental-health, poetry

Job Depression.

It was then, as he sat down on his bed,
laptop on his lap,
ready to seize the day,
ready to believe that he could do it,
that the realisation hit
that he couldn’t, in fact, do it.
He’s got no experience,
no personality,
no skills,
no talents,
and no will to carry on with life.
“What’s the point?” he says to himself,
as he sits there, contemplating whether it is worth his time.

He sits there, staring into the abyss
ten, twenty, maybe even thirty minutes,
when the anger hits.
He’s frustrated – frustrated that he’s wasted time,
doing nothing productive in his life once more.
His head pounds.
His anxiety increases.
He takes his anger on the things around him.
He can’t concentrate anymore.
He sees red.

And as he sits down on his bed once more,
a single tear falling down his cheek,
his brain tells him exactly what he wants to hear;

“You will never amount to anything in your life.
You’re just a failure. Just stop.”

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RIP XXXTentacion.

“And I’m always where the sun don’t shine
The tears don’t show
Won’t hurt me now ’cause heart’s been broke
I hate myself, but it won’t show
I constantly lose all my remorse
And it’s ten for the wolf and three for the shepherd
And it’s one for the sheep who, led by the leopard
Often gave his perception as a handle of weapon
Took a bite of your apple, give me all you can offer
Now I’m trapped in a changing maze
Setting my soul ablaze, couldn’t control the pace
Where is this going? Hey
Heartless is recklessness, it’s
War with the pacifist to word of a masochist
I’m off of the map
My Lord I spoke to a Baphomet
He said he would save me if I gave you one thing you needed
What is this thing I pleaded?
Boy, it’s the key to even
Yeah

And as I spoke, my fangs were shown
Taken aback, he smiles and tells me
“What you crave will soon be yours
But what I crave is already mine”
Anima vestra
Anima
Anima vestra
Anima”

– XXXTentacion, i spoke to the devil in miami, he said everything would be fine.

I don’t know how to start this post off – I am in an almost state of shock. I genuinely cannot believe that this has happened.

I suppose I’d start when I found out. About an hour ago, I received a message from my friend – who is, like me, a massive XXXTentacion fan; we’d often joke about it in class together and listen to his songs and all of that – and she sent me a message saying “have you seen the news? :( :(”

Now, bearing in mind that I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, I knew that it was only going to be about one person and one person only.

XXXTentacion.

So I went on Twitter, searched his name, thinking that he might have gotten arrested or sentenced to jail.

Only then, it was much worse. He had been shot in Florida. Medics said there was no pulse.

And now, about half an hour ago, it has been confirmed that he died in hospital.

 

Now, for those that don’t know, XXXTentacion (or X) – real name “Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy” – is quite a controversial. Towards the start of his career, he’s been known for assaulting fans at concerts countless times, arrested for robbery charges and “aggravated battery” of a pregnant woman, plus more crimes.

So you might be wondering why I was ever a fan of his in the first place. For two reasons, really. Firstly, towards the end, he was trying to change his image. He publically admitted that he was developing his relationship with his mother in a vlog titled “JUST CHECKING IN” on YouTube (which has been removed – I’ve just checked). He was going to college. Of course, it is inexcusable what he did previously, but things were looking up for him. And I thought that he was going to change, too.

However, the main reason why I, like others, became a fan of X was because his music resonated with me. There were so many great songs of his that I listen to on a daily basis (in fact, ten minutes before I found out, I was listening to his music). I would list all of the songs that personally affected me, came close to home, but I think the list would be too long.

You know, as someone who was (and still is) seriously depressed, his music was an escape-goat, a coping mechanism. I would listen to his songs as I was at my darkest moments, listening to his songs as I’d cry myself to sleep. And I’m not being facetious or overexaggerating or “just saying this”; X’s music REALLY did help me.

 

And you may not agree with me – for which I completely understand – but in my opinion, X was a talented individual who I genuinely thought was destined to do great things, especially if he had the chance to put his past behind him. Unfortunately, someone decided to take his life away from him. At the age of twenty.

Whether you like him or not, you can’t argue that that is way too young for someone to have their life taken away from them. Just like that.

 

RIP XXXTentacion. Gone but never forgotten <3

 

 

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All Posts, book-reviews

ARC Book Reviews: Hellbent by Gregg Hurwitz & our house by Louise Candlish

Book info:

Hellbent (Orphan X, #3) by Gregg Hurwitz
Published: January 2018
Publisher: Penguin
our house by Louise Candlish
Published: April 2018
Publisher: Simon & Schuster UK

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.

“It’s a bit late, innit? I mean… ‘our house’ came out two months ago… I mean, we can let it slide, but you’ve been slacking a bit lately, haven’t you?”

Very true.

And then you look at Hellbent.

“JANUARY? Er, helloooo? Care to explain? Care to explain WHERE THE FUCK YOU’VE BEEN?! HUH?! It’s been what – FIVE MONTHS? YEAH. FIVE. MONTHS. AND IT’S AN ARC AS WELL??! WOW! CONGRATS! YOU REALLY ARE A CERTIFIED C-

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to CALM DOWN, otherwise I’m going to have to call security and escort you off the premises”

“No. Nope. I WON’T CALM DOWN. I. AM. CALM. See? Oh what, I’m not allowed to say what I THINK NOW? God, freedom of speech and all that. I’m sorry, but I’m just saying what everyone is thinking BUT NEVER SAYS! I mean… what he’s doing, it’s…it’s  GODDAMN UNACCEPTABLE! That’s what it is! It’s AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE! I

“NO! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME! DON’T TOUCH ME! LET GO OF ME! LET ME GO!

HEY! YOU CAN’T WALK AWAY FROM ME LIKE THIS! COME BACK! COME HERE RIGHT NOW! I’M TELLING YOU, YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS! I’LL BE BACK! AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU YOUR BODYGUARDS WON’T BE HERE TO STOP YOU! I WILL PROMISE THAT THE NEXT TIME WE MEET I WILL MAKE SURE THAT

Damn. Sorry ’bout ‘dat.

Although I should really be apologizing for not getting my review out sooner. You know, when you’ve got exams, you kinda push everything aside, you think “ah, I’ll do it when I have spare time”, and then three months later, you’re like “… ahhhh fuck”

And also, the Fifa World Cup update came out recently, so you know what it’s like, in the weeks coming up to the finals. Actually, I’ve got a pretty good team at the moment – you know, there are a few positions that do need work, like the fullbacks and keeper, but my attack is decent – Romelu Lukaku and Harry Kane up front, Eden Hazard just behind them in the CAM position.

But you know what they say, don’t you? Every cloud has a silver lining. And this silver lining is that you get TWO REVIEWS INSTEAD OF ONE! THAT’S RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S A SPECIAL OFFER! BUY ONE GET ONE FREE! BUT WAIT! IF YOU ORDER NOW BEFORE 8PM, YOU’LL GET A FREE COMPLIMENTARY DVD AND AS ALWAYS, YOU’LL RECEIVE OUR 30 DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! THAT’S RIGHT – IF YOU’RE NOT SATISFIED WITH OUR PRODUCT IN THE NEXT 30 DAYS, WE’LL REFUND YOU WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED! ORDER NOW ON 0800 457 1048

Two for one special offer ends 11/06/2018. Calls and texts cost £3 per minute plus your standard network rate. Please do not call after this date otherwise you will be charged treble and you’ll look like a complete idiot. You must be 16 or over. Please seek bill payer’s permission before calling. While stocks last. See boring terms and conditions online here.

Anyway… shall we just get on with the actual reviews now?

Not. Yet. (We negotiate their terms of surrender, I see George Washington smile, We escort their men out of Yorktown, They stagger home single file. TENS OF THOUSANDS of PEOPLE FLOOD THE STREETS, There are screams of churchbells singing. And as our fallen foes retreat, I hear the drinking song they’re singing. The world turned upside down…)

I feel like this would be a good time to say that the only reason why I was lucky enough to receive these ARCs (in the first place) was that I won these via the “Goodreads Giveaways” system. Therefore, I would like to thank Penguin/Michael Joseph and Simon & Schuster for giving me the opportunity to read these books for free. Thank you so much <3

 

Hellbent by Gregg Hurwitz (Orphan X, #3)

Synopsis:

Taken from a group home at age twelve, Evan Smoak was raised and trained as an off-the-books government assassin: Orphan X. After he broke with the Orphan Program, Evan disappeared and reinvented himself as the Nowhere Man, a man spoken about only in whispers and dedicated to helping the truly desperate.

But this time, the voice on the other end is Jack Johns, the man who raised and trained him, the only father Evan has ever known. Secret government forces are busy trying to scrub the remaining assets and traces of the Orphan Program and they have finally tracked down Jack. With little time remaining, Jack gives Evan his last assignment: find and protect his last protégé and recruit for the program.

But Evan isn’t the only one after this last Orphan— the new head of the Orphan Program, Van Sciver, is mustering all the assets at his disposal to take out both Evan (Orphan X) and the target he is trying to protect.

 

The premise of the series is interesting – like the synopsis says, Evan Smoak became part of the Orphan Program from a very young age, where he learnt all of his skills needed to become a deadly assassin. He became known as Orphan X, and quickly became a “prodigy” for the program – the best of the batch, the poster boy, essentially.

Then, after deciding to separate himself from the Orphan Program, Evan “vanished into thick Smoak” (ha! get it?!) and became “The Nowhere Man”, an urban legend where people with problems can call him on his ‘special number’ – 1-855-2-NOWHERE – and he’ll help. And no, I’m not talking about problems with their washing machine. I’m talking things like people being threatened by a gang because a drug deal went south, or someone’s been kidnapped and is about to be sold on the Dark Web to the highest bidder.

So after he sorts it out, punches and kills a few people (you know, the usual), he also has to evade capture from evil-Bond-sounding-villain “Charles Van Sciver”, who has been trying to assassinate Evan since the first book.

Following on from this, I will also add that Hellbent CAN be read as a standalone, even though it is the third installment in the Orphan X series, but I’d highly recommend that you read the previous two books beforehand. Not only will you get a greater understanding and backstory regarding the main protagonists, but they’re bloody good books. Especially the second book *hint hint*

In the end, I think I finished all three books within two weeks or so? I can’t remember. But it wasn’t long, that’s for sure. Not that that’s a bad thing – if anything, it’s the opposite. It’s full of action from the moment you open the book, and you won’t want to stop reading until the end. At 2 in the morning. Because that’s what I did.

Overall rating: 9/10

 

our house (in the middle of our street…) by Louise Candlish

(Yes, I spent 90% of my time doing this. And yes, I am just easily amused by small things…)

Synopsis:

On a bright January morning in the London suburbs, a family moves into the house they’ve just bought in Trinity Avenue. Nothing strange about that.

Except it is your house.

And you didn’t sell it.

When Fiona Lawson comes home to find strangers moving into her house, she’s sure there’s been a mistake. She and her estranged husband, Bram, have a modern co-parenting arrangement: bird’s nest custody, where each parent spends a few nights a week with their two sons at the prized family home to maintain stability for their children. But the system built to protect their family ends up putting them in terrible jeopardy. In a domino effect of crimes and misdemeanors, the nest comes tumbling down.

Now Bram has disappeared and so have Fiona’s children. As events spiral well beyond her control, Fiona will discover just how many lies her husband was weaving and how little they truly knew each other. But Bram’s not the only one with things to hide, and some secrets are best kept to oneself, safe as houses.

 

Wow. What a tense read that was. Of course, I can’t really give too much away, but that ending; my god, was that completely unexpected! I loved it.

The concept of the book itself was interesting – you have Fi talking about her story on “The Victim”, a nationally acclaimed podcast where listeners can tune in to a weekly episode – this week being #VictimFi, of course!

And also, you’ve got Bram’s perspective, who has written a Word document explaining what happened. Although, in my opinion, it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of Bram (I thought he was maybe a little neglected/underdeveloped at times), he’s a crucial part to the story, as he basically “fills the reader in” with more information, to give the true, full picture. And it works, to be honest.

Well, most of the time, it works. Sometimes we do get some instances where we read something from Bram’s perspective and then fifty pages Fi talks about it in the podcast. Which, I understand, given that this is asynchronous – the timelines aren’t exactly “lined up”, as expected – and the fact that the listeners don’t get Bram’s POV; however, at times, it just… took the surprise away.

Even though I sound critical and like I’m just shitting on this book at this point, I should add that I thoroughly enjoyed reading our house. The plot was great – not particularly too sure if it’s believable or realistic, but it’s terrifying enough to send shivers down your spine. I mean, I too would shit myself if I was ever in a position like Bram, that’s for sure.

Overall rating: 8/10 

 

 

So, there you go, guys! These were my reviews for Hellbent and our house. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, because I honestly had SO much fun writing this!

If you want to read more reviews in the future, then please feel free to stick around! I mean, I can’t promise anything, but I would like to start doing more of these again in the near future. And by “near future”, I mean… in about seventeen years, but…

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All Posts, life, mental-health, poetry

My Biggest Fear.

My biggest fear is loneliness.
The thought of waking up with nobody to talk to… scares me.
In fact, in under a month, I’ll be leaving college.
The people in my classes?
The people I speak to on a daily basis?
Gone.
Just like that.
And there’s a good chance that I’ll never see them again.
Or hear of them again.
Or even speak to them again.
Just a young man, living life on his own.
His only companion the thoughts in his head.
As he travels across the empty road,
Trying to find a purpose in life,
Just merely existing in the back of people’s minds.

That is truly terrifying.

 

Photo Credit: @ShiftGraphiX

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All Posts, life, mental-health

Why I Don’t Want To Go To University Anymore.

Picture of the University of Bristol, where in the past month, three students have tragically ended their lives.

I feel like I should preface this with some information about myself. I’m 19, currently in my third year of college, and for the past eighteen months, I’ve been struggling with a bout of depression and social anxiety. I’m not particularly sure if “bout” is the right word – I’d argue that eighteen months isn’t “a short period of time” as it’s defined in the dictionary, but we’ll go with it.

To be able to describe all of the issues, challenges and difficulties that I face on a day-to-day basis – well, let’s just say that a simple paragraph isn’t sufficient. However, to give you some context about what my life is like, then here you go. I take 100mg Sertraline every single day, just to stop me from bouncing around the walls. I spend the majority of the day confined to my bedroom, locked in my own thoughts of self-loathing and self-pity. I have no life, no enjoyment, no motivation. Getting out of bed in the morning can be one of the hardest things I do. And even when I go out in public, I feel constant agoraphobic and anxiety, which means that I can’t stay in a public place longer than an hour and a half.

And because of this, I feel like I have to put my mental health over everything; as much as I hate to admit it, my mental health controls me and everything I do. In fact, in my second year at college, I had to drop and defer two of my courses, because the stress was too much for me – bear in mind, also, that this was in October when the academic year had literally just begun. It’s ruined relationships with some of my closest friends. Some days, I even wake up and think if there’s any point in doing anything, when I know I’m not going to be alive in a years time.

So what does all this have to do with going to university?

Well, over the past week, you might have seen numerous articles criticising universities for ‘letting down students’ and ‘failing a generation‘, especially after three students at Bristol University committed suicide in the past month alone.

“The number of students dropping out with mental health problems has more than trebled in recent years…  in recent years, there has been a steady increase in the number of student suicides.”
University UK, “Minding Our Future”

Now, if there was one thing that was going to stop me from going to universities, it was my mental health. After all, it’s clear to see that I struggled with college, so to go university and be put under more educational stress, where I’d have to look after myself, making sure that I eat and sleep properly, socialise with “friends” 24/7, all whilst living two-three hours away from home? How am I going to cope?

My paranoia got so high that during my last mental breakdown (which forced me out of college for almost a week, I should add), I emailed my tutor, asking her whether to cancel my uni application. Of course, I got a generic answer back – saying something like “there are people who can help”.

But then you get these stories which disprove their claims.

At the end of the day, from someone who has intrusive thoughts daily, is there any point going to university, where I could be another addition to the statistic?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting too paranoid again. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I need to take my tablets today.
However, what’s becoming apparent is that the more I think, the more I realise that uni isn’t for me after all.

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mental-health, poetry

New Message (Part 1)

New message. At twelve. Twenty-four. AM.

“Hi. it’s your depression again.
Just seeing if you miss me.
It’s been over a week since our last meeting,
But don’t worry – I’ll be back in three.
And just before you decide not to answer like last time,
Remember who’s got a spare key.
I can unlock your mind, any time or place
So you’d better get some therapy!
You try to block me out of your mind,
But it’s clear to both of us that I’m here to stay.
And no matter how hard you’ll try,
I want you to know I’m your guardian angel and will show you the way.
You think I’m the devil? You must have it twisted,
I’m giving you the harsh truth.
Want to believe in that man looking down at us?
Ha! You really do have some screws loose!

You want to get better? Look at yourself!
Stop living in this fantasy
Get your head from the clouds into a dictionary.
Look up the definition of insanity.
Soon enough you’ll be hit with de ja vu
And a sense of reality.
Still don’t get it? My God, your pathetic.
Looks like I’m gonna use profanity.

So you’re gonna blame me for your symptoms,
And act like the victim?
Not the fact that you’re like everyone else,
and you don’t fucking listen?
You stay confined in the walls of your room,
Like it’s a prison.
Let me pose you this question, Matt:
Is that a life worth living?
You convince yourself that I’m my visions are lies,
They’re ‘all in your head’.
But how can you live life in your own bed?
How can you live life WISHING WE WERE BOTH DEAD?”

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All Posts, mental-health

SAD.

That amazing moment
when you look outside
at 6pm
and see the sun setting
in the sky
blinding you with sunlight.
Because at that point
you feel a sense of optimism,
your “lighter side” is shiner through
as the realization hits you.
The days will get lighter,
and longer,
and a lot warmer.
And at this thought,
you smile for the first time
in a while,
as you can feel your seasonal depression
start to evaporate
in front of your eyes.

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