New Message (Part 1)

New message. At twelve. Twenty-four. AM.

“Hi. it’s your depression again.
Just seeing if you miss me.
It’s been over a week since our last meeting,
But don’t worry – I’ll be back in three.
And just before you decide not to answer like last time,
Remember who’s got a spare key.
I can unlock your mind, any time or place
So you’d better get some therapy!
You try to block me out of your mind,
But it’s clear to both of us that I’m here to stay.
And no matter how hard you’ll try,
I want you to know I’m your guardian angel and will show you the way.
You think I’m the devil? You must have it twisted,
I’m giving you the harsh truth.
Want to believe in that man looking down at us?
Ha! You really do have some screws loose!

You want to get better? Look at yourself!
Stop living in this fantasy
Get your head from the clouds into a dictionary.
Look up the definition of insanity.
Soon enough you’ll be hit with de ja vu
And a sense of reality.
Still don’t get it? My God, your pathetic.
Looks like I’m gonna use profanity.

So you’re gonna blame me for your symptoms,
And act like the victim?
Not the fact that you’re like everyone else,
and you don’t fucking listen?
You stay confined in the walls of your room,
Like it’s a prison.
Let me pose you this question, Matt:
Is that a life worth living?
You convince yourself that I’m my visions are lies,
They’re ‘all in your head’.
But how can you live life in your own bed?
How can you live life WISHING WE WERE BOTH DEAD?”

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SAD.

That amazing moment
when you look outside
at 6pm
and see the sun setting
in the sky
blinding you with sunlight.
Because at that point
you feel a sense of optimism,
your “lighter side” is shiner through
as the realization hits you.
The days will get lighter,
and longer,
and a lot warmer.
And at this thought,
you smile for the first time
in a while,
as you can feel your seasonal depression
start to evaporate
in front of your eyes.

I need to fix my life.

I need to fix my life…

I need to stop overthinking.
I need to stop comparing myself to my friends.
I need to stop taking things so seriously and start living life.
I need to get rid of my negative thoughts
And my constant social paranoia.
I need to continue making appointments with my doctor,
I need to continue taking my antidepressants.
And I need to speak to a counsellor about my problems.
In fact, I need to speak to my friends and family more often.

I need to stop wasting time.
I need to pick up a pen instead of my phone.
I need to pick up a book instead of my PlayStation controller.
I need to cut back on my addictions,
So I can revise for my exams…
…shit. That’s something else I need to do… damn.

I need to change my habits.
I need to breathe.
I need to stop punching walls when I get angry,
Or sad.
I need to remember that it’s okay to cry,
Rather than keep my emotions to myself.

I need to remember that things will should may get better.
I need to push myself out of my comfort zone.
I need to keep my bedroom clean.
I need to keep myself clean.
I need to stay healthy,
By eating, sleeping and drinking enough,
And carry on exercising.

But most of all,
I need to feel loved. Appreciated. Liked. Wanted. You name it.

…I just have no idea where to start.

Penguin. (Poem/Rap)

Penguin, penguin,
What rhymes with “penguin”?
Gotta couple girls on the side,
Plus ma peng ting.
Wanna go on a date with me?
Let’s go to Tenpin.
Almost killed a man with my rhymes.
Fam, I went in!

Yeah,
I ain’t good at pretendin’.
They see me catching my guard like I’m fencing.
Coz I can get any gyal I like
With the rev of my engineeeee!


It’s amazing sometimes what I can come up with when I bored 😂😂

Cold Turkey.

Serious trigger warning.

I want to talk about something that happened to me a few weeks ago – something which I’m only now mentally prepared and willing to talk about… even on here.

(Just a quick post-edit: I thought I was, but seeing as I found this tough to write, I think it’s fair to assume I’m not. :/)

But beforehand, I want to give you a little bit of a backstory. About a week before Christmas, I went to see my GP, for the last time that year. It was only a ‘check-up’; well, I say that like it was nothing, but to be honest, it was everything because I was struggling. I wasn’t wasn’t feeling the festivities or goodwill, that’s for sure.

As a result, my doctor prescribed me a stronger dose of antidepressants to take (100mg Sertraline – double what I was previously on), and the idea was to go back in four weeks for another appointment.

(…you might be able to see where this is going to go already.)

For the most part, these tablets were effective. Aside from a few “off-days” here and there, I felt great. Happier. More… normal than I’d ever felt. The tablets were working – even after the first week… and the second… and third… and forth…

But then, I ran out of tablets to take. And here were some of the problems that were going through my mind at that point.
1) I couldn’t exactly get an emergency appointment at my doctors’ surgery, and waiting times for appointments are at least three weeks.
2) I turned 19 on the 2nd Jan. Now, for any prescription of tablets in the UK, I could get tablets for free until I turned 19, and then I had to pay for them. However, for someone who doesn’t have a job, I didn’t know how I could pay for them. Sure, I could have asked my parents, but I was too nervous. I’m not very good at asking for things.

And 3), the most challenging obstacle, was that I was terrified. The thought of going to my doctors surgery once, to see my GP (who I’d only spoken to once beforehand, as all the other doctors keep leaving my surgery) and admit that I need help once more just terrified me. Even thinking about it now makes my hands shake.

I know it might sound ridiculous to you, but for me to see my doctor and admit that I have a problem requires serious courage and strength.

So, in the end, I took the decision to do exactly what you’re not supposed to do, which is to stop taking my tablets. And straight away, I started to feel weird. I’d get an occasional tingling sensation on my face. I started getting these periods where I felt like I could run 100m in 5 seconds. I felt physically ill every day. I suffered from migraines. I distanced myself even further away from my friends. My social anxiety increased once more.

But something that rang alarm bells was my dreams – or should I say nightmares? Because that’s what they were. I’d have dreams where I was being locked up in a mental health institution or prison cell and being forced onto a bed by numerous people during a mental breakdown. (There were other dreams too, but I don’t know if I’d be able to talk about them. But it was fucking terrifying).

And after two weeks of feeling like this, I couldn’t do it anymore. I spent my entire day in bed, and when my mum checked up on me, I broke down and told her everything that had been going on.

To be honest, it was a good thing, because after my mental meltdown, my parents contacted my doctor for me, and was able to get me a repeat prescription to prevent this from happening again.

And I’m so thankful because I’m now taking my tablets again, and I feel better! xD

 

I’m sorry this was such a long post, but it’s just one of these things where you have to share with someone, just to get it off your mind. And more importantly, I suppose I wanted to reiterate this important message:

“Please don’t do what I did.”

– Matt

How To Charm A Girl.

Lads – here’s how to charm a girl,
With just a few simple steps.
No need to workout at the gym,
So stop doing those reps.

Girls don’t like it when you show off,
So stop flexin’ in your IG pics.
And whatever you do lads,
Don’t send her snaps of your dick!

Instead, just give her a single rose!
That will certainly wow her.
Then say “I hand-picked it myself.
But there’s something else I’d like to deflower.”

With a little bit of charm,
And a little bit of luck,
At the end of the night,
You’ll go to her place and fu-


Yeah… as you can tell, I’m still single… no idea why though? 🤔😂😂😭